The Red Mist Guide to

Alcohol & Personality

If Women Drink ...

Beer

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the a$$. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Water

Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

Cape Velvet

Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......

IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Castle Lager Beer He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy Extremely h0rny hound, would sh@g a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change .