Actual ads from the Lonely Hearts pages of 'Ireland's Own'

Now, take it from us, don't use these in a personal ad.....

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Donegal man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with a lovely chest.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches