Well, after some scary experiences after some rallies, I reckon
that this is needed.
Symptom
|
Cause
|
Corrective Action
|
| Feet Cold & Wet |
Glass Being held at Incorrect Angle |
Rotate Glass so that open end points towards Ceiling |
| Feet Warm & Wet |
Improper Bladder Control |
Stand next to nearest dog, complaining about lack of
house training |
| Beer Unusually pale & tasteless |
a: Glass Empty b: You're holding a Coor's Lite
|
Get someone to buy you a beer |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights |
You've fallen over backwards |
Have yourself tied to the bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered
with ash |
You've fallen forward |
See above |
| Beer Tasteless, front of your shirt is wet |
a: Mouth not open b: Glass applied to wrong part of
face
|
Retire to restroom and practice in mirror |
| Floor Blurred |
You're looking through the bottom of an empty glass |
Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Floor Moving |
You're being carried out |
Find out if you're being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark |
Bar has closed |
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff are gone,
grab a six pack and run to the nearest fire escape and keep
running! |
| Taxi suddenly takes in colourful aspects and textures |
Beer Consumption has exceeded personal limits |
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside, open mouth |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles |
You're dancing on the table |
Fall on someone good-looking |
| Beer is Crystal Clear |
It's Water!!! Someone is trying to sober you up! |
Punch Him!!! |
| People are standing around sinks, talking or putting on
makeup |
You're in the Ladies Room! |
Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door. Try to get
some phone numbers |
| Hands & nose hurts. Mind unusually clear |
You've been in a fight |
Apologise to everybody, just in case it was them |
| Don't recognise anybody or the room |
You're wandered into the wrong party |
Look for free beer |
| Your bedroom is painted grey, has a concrete floor and
in interesting steel door. The toilet is located nest to the
bunk |
a: You're in Jail b: You're in the Navy
|
Sleep it off. Don't talk to your new roommate, AND DON'T
SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACH! |
| You're dancing to the Village People, and the dance
partner is wearing leather chaps |
You're in a gay bar |
Keep your back to the wall. Move to the nearest exit,
and talk to nobody |
| Your singing sounds distorted |
The beer is too weak |
Drink more beer until the singing improves |
| You don't remember the words of the song |
Beer is just right |
Play air guitar |