The Red Mist Guide to

Changing A Tyre

Please note that this is not a complete guide, but can be used as an example of what happens when WE tackle the job

1) First "Discover" that you have a puncture. The trail of sparks from the car should be a giveaway.

2) Find a flat, level, smooth area to perform the change.

3) Turn off the engine, engage gear & apply handbrake

4) Spend the next five minutes cursing like a docker

5) Get out in the rain (it's going to be raining, knowing our luck)

6) Open the boot, and spend the next five minutes going through the rubbish looking for the toolkit

7) Find the toolkit behind the trim panel

8) Remove the spare wheel

9) Spend the next ten minutes cursing at the fact that the spare wheel is soft & as bald as a duck egg.

10) Remove any wheel trim, and break it in the process of ripping it off

11) Attempt to loosen the wheel nuts

12) Dance on the wheel brace in an attempt to loosen the wheel nuts

13) Twist your ankle when the wheel nut loosens

14) Repeat steps 11 to 13 for the other wheel nuts

15) Place the jack under the car

16) Start to raise the car

17) "Discover" that the jack is not under the jacking point and is breaking the sill moulding

18) Lower jack, and place the jack under the correct jacking point

19) Raise the car

20) Remove the wheel nuts and the wheel.

21) Place the old wheel under the car

22) Stand up to stretch, and watch the car fall off the jack

23) Pick up the jack, and hurl it into the next parish in anger

24) Spend ten minutes cursing and kicking the damn car

25) Repeat step 24

26) Repeat step 24

27) Spend 20 minutes looking for the jack

28) Thank God that you placed the wheel under the car, as you can now place the jack under the car

29) Raise the car on the jack

30) Place the bald spare wheel on the hub, and quickly place three wheel nuts on the wheel

31) Discover the last wheel nut has rolled under the car and can not reach it!

32) Lower the jack and tighten the three wheel nuts

33) Drive the car two feet

34) Get out of the car, get the last wheel nut and apply to the stud

35) Throw the spare wheel, broken jack & bent wheel brace into the boot.

36) Realise that the wheel brace has landed on the shopping bag containing the milk & eggs!

37) Drive home in disgust at the stupid car & the stupid car designers

38) Visit the doctor in two days time for flu treatment. It was a wet night, after all

39) Clean the boot

40) Purchase a new tyre, proper trolley jack and a proper wheel brace

See, it's easy when you know how!